If I complain of a stomach ache over the next month or so, this is probably why.
You know when you really want to say something, really want to ride in on a white horse and sweep her off her feet? That feeling just follows you. It consumes you. There's this incessant buzz in the back of your mind all the time. But then reality hits you. You've been down that path before. You've even tried to sweep her off her feet before. And rejection. Not sledgehammer, smash your heart into pieces that you'll never find rejection. She's too kind for that, too understanding. Rather the subtle rejection of running into a brick wall at 40 miles per hour. Enough to stop you dead in your tracks and knock you out but not enough to kill you. Although, I don't envy the headache you'll have when you come to. And so you see opportunity after opportunity pass you by. And some opportunities that might have happened you purposefully avoided. It eats at you. Gnaws at your mind, consumes every empty thought in your mind. You can push it away but it always comes back. Logic and reason mean nothing. She's out of your league, you know it but you won't admit it. And so you find that your head is aching from the brick wall, buzzing from the little voice, consumed by the constant hope...and in the words of Verne (Over the Hedge) "My head says listen to my tail, my tail says listen to my head, and I just... end up with an upset stomach."
If I complain of a stomach ache over the next month or so, this is probably why.
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George Lucas is stepping down from Hollywood because people complained that he messed with Star Wars too much. Sounds to me like everyone (George and all the fanboys - of which I am one) need some thicker skin. I own the original releases on DVD, the re-releases on DVD, and pretty soon the whole saga on Blu-Ray. Did the story line in I, II, and III disappoint? Yep. But so what, I'll enjoy those movies for what they are and enjoy the OT both the original way and the new, updated, lines and scenes added way. My life is not so wrapped up in Star Wars that a change to the movies every 5 years is going to kill me. And on the bright side, it gets more people interested who had never heard of the story before. But George, really....you're listening to your critics and getting offended? Of course their going to critisize. Shrug it off. You still gave Jar Jar a line in III, you can do waht you want. I don't have to agree with you about everything, I'm entitled to my own opinion, as are you, and we're all entitled to thicker skin.
Most songs about missing an ex are written by females. Why is that? Are guys too chicken to acknowledge regret? Too tough? Too big of a player and have already moved on? Or are my tastes in music severely lacking? Put things back the way you found them. Whether it's a room set up for a different purpose than you need it for at the moment, a crazy electical wiring job that stopped working all of a sudden, or whatever...just put it back. Whoever is supposed to take care of it knows how it was set up before, let them do their job. Don't mess with it and add to their work figuring out whatever the heck you did to it. If it's set up one way, leave it that way when you're done. Period. Be proactive, not reactive. Few things sting worse than suddenly being taken under someone's wing after you screrw up. Take them under your wing when they first start so that you can maybe prevent their screw-up or at the very least offend them less by taking a sudden interest in them after they screw up. I can't sing. To anyone who reads this and has heard me sing, I'm sorry. How hard is it to ship an item when you said you were going to ship it? Or possibly the question I should be asking is how hard is it to update your tracking website so people anxiously awaiting their order aren't freaking out? Yes, I'm looking at you Technology Galaxy and Federal Express. So, eleven years late I watched A Knight's Tale last night for the first time. Brilliant movie, well written, perfectly cast, didn't take itself too seriously but still managed to be a serious and seriously funny movee all at the same time. I definitely recommend it.
This one line stuck out to me though, "You may feel like a poet but you sound like an idiot." Well, 11 years ago someone summed up exactly waht I feel like when I write poetry. I've been told time and time again that my poems are good but every time, I'm nervous. Especially when I'm writing a poem for someone - what if i make something awful and give it to them? What if the poem offends them? What if they don't understand the poem, they don't get where it's coming from? But the answer lies in the movie. Laugh at yourself. We all screw up, we all make mistakes. Laugh at yourself and move on. (And if you hurt someone, apologize, laugh only if appropriate, and move on). Don't take yourself too seriously. At Starbucks today (wow, this is like turing into a diary entry) an elderly gentleman cut in front of me in line and started to get upset when he was told that his venti caramel macchiato (spelling?) was going to cost over $1.50. I felt bad for him. How awful it would be to grow old and be grouchy, completely unable to accept your mistakes or anything unexpected. On the flip side, how fun it must be to grow old, stop caring what other people think and laugh at yourself. Realize that you're old and enjoy life for what it is now instead of what it was. Just my random thoughts inspired by a great movie and left brewing over the smell of coffee. The Tattered Sweater
The Black Knight The brisk fall breeze Blows through the golden leaves Sweeping through the pines To a clearing devoid of time In the clearing that never sleeps Mystery runs dark and deep And to the fallen tree is fettered An old grey tattered sweater Swaying limply while hanging there In the dead and silent air …I’m whisked away by the autumn breeze Away from the clearing midst the trees… Midst The Trees The Black Knight My breath fogs the frosty air As my footsteps crunch the snow A white snake winds before me Leading where? I do not know I continue down this winter path One frozen footfall at a time All around me the world stops Pointing to where the sun doesn’t shine To a clearing midst the trees There on a fallen log Interrupting its snowy scowl Is hung a tattered sweater A silver speck on winter’s whitened cowl Who left it hanging there I fear I’ll never know In the stillness I turn to leave It seems sad to see me go Leaving it waving midst the trees. Brightest Shade of Grey The Black Knight The sun shone high above me And the wind rattled the leaves As I walked down the path To that clearing midst the trees It was silent in that grove Nothing seemed to breathe Even the air stood still Around the fallen tree Draped on the jutting branches And tangled in the leaves Was the brightest shade of grey A sweater caught on the tree I’ve not seen anything like it The air was wont to shine Around that old grey sweater Stopping, trapping time And as I left the clearing I couldn’t help but turn To see that old grey sweater And it shining silver burn These poems were inspired by my walk up to school each morning during college. Parking passes cost upwards of $150 but the school provided free parking down at the bottom of the hill and had a shuttle go up to the main campus. Well, shuttle rides aren’t much fun compared to walking out in God’s creation so I took to walking up the hill before classes each day. The main dirt road up there had a footpath that branched near the bottom and rejoined a stone’s throw from the top. The footpath wound through some sparse trees and around a couple of ravines. Really just a beautiful little area if you’re a fan of golden prairie colored landscapes (with a few rocks and whatnot thrown in for good measure). Partway along the footpath, just where the trees start was this little clearing. There’s a fallen tree on one end of the clearing. The path winds through yucca and goes straight through the middle. I’d say that at its widest point the clearing is maybe 8, 9 yards across. Hanging on the fallen tree was a scrap of a grey sweater. I’m not sure why, but that grey woll scrap captured my imagination in a way that few things do. I enjoyed seeing it every day; it held almost a sacred place in my mind. I never touched it though, I’m not entirely sure why. Something just seemed wrong about touching it. The grey sweater scrap was as much a part of the landscape as the fallen tree, the yucca, and even the trees still growing. I was merely a blessed observer, not a participant. These poems are a result of my wonderings about the sweater piece. I did change it from a scraggly clump of trees to a forest and from a sweater scrap to a silver scarf in one of the poems. Otherwise, the words writ above reflect an artistic rendition of what it was like to walk past that clearing in three seasons: autumn, winter, and summer. One common line that I included in each of the poems is "midst the trees." It seemed to so perfectly capture the scene I saw in my mind whenever I thought about the sweater. Even though the sweater was the main focus of my musings, it would not have been complete without the trees as a back drop. The forest gave the sweater this sense of loneliness and an understandable strangeness that I couldn't capture any other way. Unfortunately, the branch the sweater hung on broke and the sweater scrap is gone entirely now so there won’t be another poem about it. Although, I’m not sure how much of a loss a torn piece of wool really is…but I’ll miss it. There’s something to be said for appreciating life the way it is in this moment because this moment will never come again. That’s something that old sweater taught me. Enjoying the moment and also holding steadfast through wind, snow, rain, and sun. A promise made is a promise kept. Amazing what I learned from that sweater. Kinda makes me wonder about myself….But that’s a topic for another blog entry. Have you ever noticed how people will say things like "I miss you" and never do anything about it? I'm glad that your heartstrings are being worked in my absense but why not work your hamstrings and do something about missing me? I mean really...if you truly miss someone, you'll do something about it. Now yes, there does (sadly) come a time and place where the ball is in the other person's court and you can't do anything except rest in the knowledge taht you did all you could and it's up to them to either leave entirely or come back. But you've at least done something toward that goal. You've let them know through more than just words how much they're missed. You apologized, made time for them, done something for them, I don't know...but you've put work behind your words. You've given them some of your time - an unreturnable gift - to let them know their value. But really, just saying it....eh. So what. Words are cheap. Sure, they're important, but they're cheap. Just letting someone knw they're missed through words is like getting them an imposter designer ring. It looks nice but it's cheap, it's worthless when compared to a real ring, designer or not. So if you do miss someone righ tnow, don't just say it. Put some relational money (aka time and effort) behind your words and do something about it.
So I came to a few "Well DUH!" conclusions this past weekend. First off, marriage is a huge commitment. Like rest of your life huge. Never backing out huge. Wake up and see the same person every day till you die huge. Can't leave when things get tough huge. It kinda shocked me. It's one thing to say those things and another to actually grasp what they mean.
For example, think about eternity. It's a long time right? But how long? Hmm, forever? Yep. But how long is forever? Think of a little hummingbird. This hummingbired grabs as much dirt as he can in his bill and flies to the moon with it. He spits out the dirt and flies back to earth. After grabbing some more dirt, he goes back to the moon and spits it out again. And again, and again. This hummingbird doesn't stop till he has taken every last particle of the earth and placed it on the moon (please ignore tha obvious physics laws that would be broken in this scenario). That's all before breakfast of day one of eternity. So yeah, thinking and knowing that marriage is forever doesn't change the shock when you realize just what forever means. It sat me down and stunned me when I fully grasped that marriage is forever. It's something that's so easy to long for now, young in life. But then to realize that I'll be with the same person when I turn 50, when I retire, when I grow old, and when we die. Wow...amazing, wonderful, and absolutely frightening all at once. My other "Well DUH!" moment that I had this weekend was that I was not the only person who could do my job. Sure, I do it differently than anyone else would, there are aspects of it that I'm better at than anyone else. If I left there would be a hole that would neverbe filled exactly the same but I'm not necessary. I'm not. It was a shock to my pride but mostly a relief. The world will keep spinning if I leave. I had never really thought like that before. Sure, I had had thoughts of after I left what it would be like and how many people would realize all that I did (and how many people wouldn't realize anything at all) but I had never fully grasped that I am not so important, so necessary that my workplace lives or dies without me. In the words of a friend - I am my own boss. I can do whatI want to and nothing I do is so critical, so important that I can never be replaced. So needless to say, after this past weekend I am now scared to death (more so) of getting married and feeling remarkably free that the world will keep spinning if I leave my job. Ah, the sweet smell of a successful weekend. So I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this. I do see that I have pageviews but I can't see what pages people look at (so if you're addicted to one specific poem or something, I'll never know o.O) but if you do read this, please be praying for me. I hate change and I have a big one coming up and I'm not sure what to do. I just know that something will need to change. So if you could pray for me to have God's wisdom and do the right thing and to have peace about it that would be wonderful.
God bless, The Black Knight Yeah, my title is weird. Sorry.
Ever had someone give up on you? (hence the title). Where tehy persist and persist and persist and then one day stop? It's a weird feeling. If their persistance wasn't welcome, it's a relief to have them quit. But the flip side of the coin is that no matter how annoying they were, they did care about you enough to keep at it. When someone gives up on you it's one of the few chances in life that we get to see what life would be like if our wishes came true. On the other hand, if you appreciated that they kept bugging you about whatever, when they give up it leaves you feeling alone. Almost like they jumped ship in the middle of the night and never said goodbye. It makes you stop and wonder what did I do wrong, why did they leave? Was it something i said, did, or was it just me that drove them away? Anyway, this just reminds me how nice it is to serve a God who will never give up on me. Even the most steadfast of people, people who have been with you for years, for some of the hardest times in both your lives, they will still leave. People break promises, ditch you, move on before you're ready, break your trust and break your heart. People are very good at that. But God, even when you run from Him, He will never leave you. He paid the ultimate price for you, He died to buy you back and He doesn't let go of His redeemed very easily. It's comforting. In The Glass The Black Knight Looking through but I can't see past The face watching in the glass So similar and yet alien I tilt my head, he raises his chin But more than any feature in his face His eyes nail me in place All I can do is droop my head Whizzing past, everything I ever did Thoughts feelings words and deeds Advice that I didn't heed I can't resist his command I make a fist, he clenches his hand Staring into his eyes, I fail to see All that others see in me There dances a hungry flame There echoes my empty name His words seethe accusing anger I listen, my heart's in danger And so since I couldn't see past I shattered to man in the glass. Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror and hated what you saw? All your mistakes, every single flaw you had was all you saw in the glass? That’s what this poem is about. It’s about that struggle we have when all we can see is our own darkness. It’s like the person in the mirror is us and yet isn’t us at the same time. They have our face but their eyes aren’t ours. Their eyes are haunted by all the evil they’ve seen and committed....all the evil that deep down we know is ours. And when someone tries to comfort you, tries to tell you all that they see in you, tries to show you the good that is God shining through it just leaves you bitter inside. I think that’s one of evil’s greatest strengths is to take goodness and twist it. That’s all evil is really – good that’s been corrupted and twisted into something it never should have been. It’s the lamp stand wanting, trying to become the lamp and taking any measure necessary to make sure that everyone thinks he’s the lamp. It’s the compassion and love one has for a friend that turns them against another friend. It’s taking the goodness that God has wrought in our lives and hiding it behind hollow, dead eyes that flash with fire. Seeing ourselves like this, at least when I see myself with all my wrongs put on display, makes me angry. I can count on one hand the number of things that will get to me quicker than looking in the mirror and seeing the darkness in me. Ironically, when I get angry at seeing my misdeeds, I just prove them true. Something else that this poem talks about, albeit ever so briefly, is the importance of your name. Your name defines who you are; it’s a word that means you. When your name’s integrity is called into question, it means that your integrity is being called into question. But it means that at a whole different level. If my integrity is being questioned, then it’s being questioned by someone who knows me, who has seen me and who (hopefully) is questioning my integrity for a reason (and not doing it to just slander me). But if my name’s integrity is compromised, then it’s not just people who know me who will doubt me. It’s everyone who hears my name. When I introduce myself to new people and they hear my name, they’ll question its integrity and in turn question my integrity without having gotten to know me. Our names are powerful words. While our heart is the wellspring of life and should be guarded first and foremost in our lives, our names should be up there too. More importantly, the name of Him whose colors we wear should be even higher. And so we reach the ending. We are staring into the mirror and being attacked by our very own self. Every weakness we have is laid bare and ripped open. We can’t get past our mistakes, we can’t see around our failures. So what is there to do? End it. Stop looking at your failures. Christ paid for them. Shatter the man in the glass. If I’m allowed to quote myself the ending after we shatter the man in the glass ought to be like this... “A hand on my shoulder Restoring what I’ve lost In my arms, my secrets start to smolder And through the smoke I glimpse the cross” - (from “Deep Inside My Heart”) If we just shatter the man in the glass, what hope is there for us? He has but to rebuild the glass to trap us again. But shattering him is the first step. After seeing our evil for that which it truly is, after hating that evil as evil, as protecting our heart, our name, and most importantly God’s name, after destroying what’s getting between us and God, we have to let God restore us. If we don’t then there will come another man in the glass, this timed armed with the knowledge that we’ve faced him before, struck his heel but never truly destroyed him. We were too cowardly to end the battle once for all and we won’t ever be strong enough to do that on our own. If there's a poem you would like me to talk more about just leave a comment below. |
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