1 LORD, do not rebuke me
in
your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2
Have mercy on
me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones
are in agony.
How long,
LORD, how long?
4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me
because of your unfailing love.
5 Among the dead
no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?
6 I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with
tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail
because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for
the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has
heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies
will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and
suddenly be put to shame.
Today was a day where I felt entirely alone, where hope only disappointed and memories left only voids in my heart. It was a day of defeat, a day where healing was undone by self inflicted wounds. I drove past one of the places in the land of Too Far. It left a numbness in my heart, I've stopped hurting so much from the memories; now my pain lies in the unforgiven hole beating inside my chest. Is it too much to ask for forgiveness? Am I wrong in wanting release? Or am I one of the wicked men, am I fully deserving of the suffering I find myself in? I cling to the assurance I have of heavenly forgiveness, of someday being restored to my Creator - but earthly forgiveness? It seems so small, so rare, so distant. The only tastes of forgiveness I remember are little, easily overlooked wrongs or forgiveness from my parents. It seems that every other grievance is ignored, every other mistake is swept away and never brought up again if the friendship continues or is left as a large looming Stony Sentinel reminding me of my wrong.
Is there any hope that doesn't leave you disappointed? There's God's. But right now, He feels so far away, so distant. Although, looking at my life, if I were God, I'd be tempted to let it burn too. I know He's burning out all the loves I placed in front of Him, all the wants that I made more important that Him but....my heart can't grasp what my head doesn't feel. Psalm 6: 9-10 talks about how God will act and it rings so true for me. I know it will happen but it is not happening. Another day to hang on to the small amount of light I still can see in cynical expectation of the dawn yet to come. But God is good and the dawn will come. That is not a hope, but an assurance.