I shouldn’t be here. I can recall vividly multiple times I should have died or at least been permanently injured. Cars accidents, bike accidents, time and time again God has kept me here. I don’t know why, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. I’m scared. Not that I won’t be able to do whatever God has in store for me, just that I’ll doubt and think I won’t be able to do it. It’s not my weakness I’m afraid of – I’m comfortable in my sin, in my depravity – it’s God’s greatness shining through me that scares me. Who am I to reflect the light of a Holy God? I am wonderfully suited to be a jerk, to live a life of depravity and sin but a life of holiness? Whoa. That’s scary. I’m nothing, just an insignificant little speck but God chose me. I know that He will accomplish whatever He has in store, but why me? It’s a question of worth, of how much God values me compared to how little I value myself. But who am I kidding, God knows me better than I know me. God knows my sickness, my sins, all the black oozing out of my heart, through every vein in my body, and coming out as hateful speech, as anger, aggression, hopelessness and despair and in spite of everything wrong with me…God still loves me, still wants me. He has more reason to hate me than I have to hate me and yet He loves me. As scared as I am of actually being worth something, God is scared that I’ll throw away the gift I’ve been given. Each day I have a choice: accept God’s greatness and disappear under His light or display my failure and drown in selfishness. Each moment that I breathe is a gift and I know what it’s for. I just wish that my head and heart would get on the same page about that. But wishing that I’d feel and think right is drowning in selfishness. Even if I don’t feel right, even if my thoughts aren’t where they should be, I can let God shine and disappear in His light. And the funny thing is, when I let go and let God…things start to make sense, I start feeling and thinking right, I stop placing myself deprecation in a higher position in my life than I place God. In other news, I think I'm done placing read more breaks. They just require more clicks for both me when I'm posting and you (if anyone actually reads this) while reading.
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February 2016
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