Yeah, maybe it's just me.
Ever had something happen to you that hurt on a non-physical level? And you deal with it, you wrestle with all that it means, come to a conclusion, and move on. Doesn't mean that it's all taken care of or that it's stopped hurting - just that you have acknowledged and dealt with the hurt and that you realize what might happen and have dealt with that too. And then someone comes along and tries to help you with it. They honestly try. They care about you, they (to some degree) feel your pain, and they start talking about it with you. Doesn't that just sting sometimes? It's like dealing with a wound, getting it bandaged up and then having someone yank off the bandage and pour salt in there. They completely ignore the fact that it's bandaged, that you've dealt with it and insist on bringing it all back up and forcing you to deal with it again while they watch. The thought process that you wish to stay private that helped you deal with it are no longer an option...but they expect you to figure it all out again while they're there.
Yeah, maybe it's just me.
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"She Said" -Everfound I like this song. I like this video (except the mic swinging part at the beginning. That just made the sound technician in me rip my hair out). I really want everything in this video to be true in my life. For it to be things that she said that have caused me pain, that she laid a trap for me and I walked into it. Still my fault but at least I can blame her for being devious and my only problem is how gullible I am. But I can't. Because that's not how it happened.
Have you ever noticed how in the most painful of circumstances...we become very black and white? It's all their fault. It's all my fault. No grey, no in between. Just one or the other. And we can flip flop between these too. We have no problem casting stones at them one day and then the next everything that went wrong is because of something we did. Watching this video made me think. Sure, it felt good to blame her, it felt right. I felt vindicated (another good song btw). But it wasn't true. It's not all her fault. But I have such an easy time convincing myself it is. I cast myself in the light of the victim. What I did was right, entirely right, and I am guiltless. Maybe not innocent but guiltless. I am so selfish and ego centric (I think all humans are) that even when I know different, I still view myself as as close to perfection as anyone can get. I've even wondered in some of my vainest moments why God chose Jesus and not me to save the world (so so so many theological problems with that train of thought. email [email protected] to know more of what all is wrong with that). Because I can see myself as the epitome of humanity, I can cast all the blame on her. And that's not right at all. It's as far from the truth as I can get. So then I flip flop, suddenly it's all my fault. I knew her, I know that she would never do that. She must be acting in the perfect manner for this situation because the way I see her is as close to perfect as humanity can get. It's my fault since it could never be hers. She would never intentionally hurt someone, she hates fighting, she's just....perfect. Yeah right, like that's ever gonna happen (said in my best Shrek voice). She is amazing, that is undeniable. But she's not perfect. Far from it in fact. Shoot, you know what? Me, her, and Hitler are all equal before the foot of the cross. Expecting perfection out of her or even casting her in the light of perfection is unfair to her. It puts her on a pedestal that she must fall off of. I let my love blind me to see her for who she really is....flawed and amazing. All at the same time. I have realized I am a sucker for happy endings. Endings where everything shakes out right for the people I like. Like at the end of Spiderman 2 when Mary Jane realizes who she loves. I like that ending. Even if one of my favorite characters dies, I'm ok with it provided it was a good death. X2, Jean Grey died a good death, it was a fitting end to her character (because she barely was in X3, that was almost all Phoenix). But I digress, I am a sucker for happy endings. In movies and in real life too. But I've come to learn that happy endings in real life rarely happen. At least not to me. As much as I long to be the hero, to play the role of the good guy...I look in the mirror and see myself wearing the black hat. I've seen friends get their happy endings (to chapters of their life at least) and I've had a few myself. But inevitably, my happy ending soon winds its way to a tragic beginning of the next chapter. The people I love, I hurt. The friendships I cherish, I tarnish. Now I am a master at finding ways to blame others. I can even convince myself of it every single time. But deep down, my heart and head disagree. My head spins these elaborate word webs and I find others at fault, but my heart knows the blame, if not shared, is all mine. Other have happy beginnings after happy endings. I don't. The consistent factor is me. And what do you call a tragic beginning that overwrites a happy ending? In my life, kinda seems like the epilogue.
So here's to happy endings, endings where the protagonist is the hero, where the guy gets the girl, where the girl loves the guy, where the bad guys are turned friends or soundly beaten, where character triumphs over selfishness. Here's to ending the story there and skipping the next chapter and the epilogue. To happy endings! Ever had one of those days where you wake up to discover that Atlas retired and you got his job? (For those of you who don't know, Atlas is a character from Greek mythology who holds the world on his back). You wake up and before you can even get some breakfast out (let alone eat it) you suddenly have things to get done this weekend. Go to work to find that they're almost out of stock of one part and you are the one who gets to test a couple hundred to replenish stock. But here I am complaining again. Yeah, honestly, I feel like the whole world was just dumped on my back without asking me first. But I've felt like that for a while now. Life's tough. But no one ever said it'd be easy. That's what heaven is for, where my job is to praise the King of the entire universe, a God so infinite and yet so loving as to know me by name. The only hard part in that will be finding the right words, emotions, actions to express the joy I know I'll have when I see my Savior face to face. What to say won't be hard then, just saying it all will be. And even though right now I feel like I've been tossed out into the middle of the cosmos to do a job way too big for me all by myself...I forget the good news I heard last night of a friend healing. She smiled again and started to tear up a little. God works miracles. Especially the small ones that are so easy to miss. Like me holding up the world. It's not me. It's Jesus; "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And the beautiful thing is that when I do drop my world, when everything around me shatters, Jesus is there with me putting things back together the way He wants them. I won't say that thinking this makes going through life any easier. It doesn't. I still have to hold up the world. But it does make it bearable.
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