I've truly blessed. Life is an ever rotating flurry of seasons - what is now will not last forever.
The season of seeking grace was a beautiful season in my life. Now though, I've entered into something different. It's not as glamorous (I've found little to blog about comparatively), the blessings take more time and thought to unearth (but they're still there), and I feel somewhat helpless sitting here waiting. Compared to what was, this season is a step down.
But! I wouldn't trade this season for anything. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's bittersweet. Yes, uncertainty threatens to drive me insane. Yet in all the difficulty, bittersweetness, and questions I've found grace.
I find grace by loving people I normally wouldn't speak to. I've found grace in surrendering to God, again and again and again. I've found grace in letting go of my desires and praying for God's will. I've found grace in trusting God even though I don't have all the answers.
I've found grace in the Rock, the solid ground on which my faith is built. Though my life may be at the bottom compared to what it was just a month ago...it's Rock Bottom because I'm held firmly in the mighty right hand of my Lord, my Rock.
And here's the kicker, God never promised me an easy walk in this world. He did say that His Word would be a lamp unto my feet - enough light for the next step. Sometimes the next step is staying still. It's amazing what all you can accomplish by resting in God, by focusing on what He's done instead of looking at what you could do.*
While I sit here at Rock Bottom, waiting for anything to break the silence in my heart...I'm reminded that God is always working even when I can't see Him at work like before. I'm reminded that God doesn't need me, He chooses to involve me. I'm reminded that God's plans are always in His perfect timing which is far far better than my own timing. I'm reminded that He loves me and others more than I ever could, let alone do.
So if you ask me how I'm doing...well, I'm doing fantastic while feeling like I'm at Rock Bottom. I'm not really sure how else to put it.
*Please don't take this to be an endorsement of not doing anything. It's merely a recognition that God calls us to rest in between work. We are given a Sabbath day for a reason and working all the time only causes us to weary ourselves needlessly. Even our greatest works are as nothing compared to what God can do. If we forget that we run the risk of relying on ourselves. When God calls us to work we ought to work. When God calls us to rest, we ought to rest. Obedience is of greater value than arrogance and claiming we know better than God.